March 2009 | The Septic's Companion

Right: Consumer services available when you want them

Let me illustrate this with the transcript of a telephone call I had in London whilst trying to arrange the servicing of my car.

Garage: Yes, Mr Rae, we can certainly do all that. If you drop the car off we’ll be happy to get started.
Me: Splendid. When would you like me to drop the car off?
Garage: Any time between nine and five.
Me: Okay – I’ll bring it in on Saturday.
Garage: Oh no [laughs], we’re not open on Saturdays. Goodness me.
Me: I imagine Sunday is out.
Garage: [hearty laugh] My wife’d kill me. Sunday, haha.
Me: The thing is that, well, those times are pretty similar to the times when I am required to be at work.
Garage: At work?
Me: Yes.
Garage: Every day?
Me: Every day except Saturday and Sunday. I get those off.
Garage: Oh! Well, maybe your wife –
Me: My wife also works.
Garage: Every day?
Me: Yes. Perhaps I could leave it outside and put the keys in your letter box or something?
Garage: One second.
Garage: [muffled] Bob, this guy can’t bring his car in.
[inaudible response]
Garage: [muffled] He’s working all that time.
[inaudible response]
Garage: [muffled] Yeah, every day. Well, except, apparently he gets Saturday and Sunday off.
[inaudible response]
Garage: [muffled] Well, get this… apparently she also works.
[inaudible response]
Garage: [muffled] Yeah, every day. He’s wondering if he can leave it outside.
[inaudible response]
Garage: Alright, look mate. We think you can probably leave it outside.
Me: Okay, great.
Garage: So just any time, I suppose.
Me: Wonderful. Where shall I put the keys?
Garage: Probably best if you drop them off while we’re open. They’ll get nicked otherwise.

The same conversation is being had daily across the UK, and pretty much across the entire spectrum of service provision. Parcel delivery, fridge repair, license renewal, escort services. Contrast that with the US – I just dropped our car off at the dealer for its service – I could drop it off, they tell me, any time between 6am and 9pm. Seven days a week. It’s true that things are starting to change in the UK – some supermarkets are open late, and more and more busineses are open at the weekend. However, your chances of getting anything done after 5pm on a weekday or at all on a Sunday are somewhat minimal. If you want to make a killing in the UK, I suggest you start a business which is open at times convenient for your customers. Your competitors won’t know what hit ’em.

Right: Not throwing rubbish everywhere

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It’s well known in Britain that the entire country is a great big rubbish dump into which you may cast your cigarette ends, crisp wrappers, used condoms and half-burnt mattresses. If you see someone on the street opening a new packet of cigarettes, I would say there’s about a one third chance that they’ll thrown the packaging in the street. As a result of this, British cities are – perhaps unsurprisingly – strewn with junk. Before I moved to the US, I rather thought this was the way cities were.

In the US, at least here in Seattle, it’s quite the opposite. There’s a real sense of civic pride about keeping the city clean, and as a result it’s much nicer walking around. I suspect this is something of a chicken-and-egg situation – if everyone else is throwing their crap in the street, why shouldn’t I throw mine? Assuming I am a pikey bastard with a dog on a bit of string and whose children have tattoos.

Wrong: Brake lights

It’s the small things in life, they say, that make a difference. I drive to work most days, across the lovely Evergreen Point Floating Bridge. I really mean lovely – you usually get a great view of Mount Rainier. Anyway, this means I get to spend a reasonable amount of my time in stop/go freeway traffic, looking at Mount Rainier.

In Europe, like in America, cars are equipped with a special set of rear lights which are intended to show to other road users what the driver is attempting to do. There’s a white one to show that the car is in reverse. There are two, perhaps three large red ones to show that the car is slowing down. And there are two orange ones, one on each side, which employ a time-honoured blinking action to demonstrate that the driver is intending moving in that direction. This system works great.

In America, there is a similar system. Similar, except for the fact that the lights intended to indicate motion are not orange, but red. The sharp-eyed among you may notice that this is the same colour as the brake lights. Perhaps orange is an unsually expensive filter. Perhaps orange was once regarded as unlucky. Still, not to worry. They still blink. Surely anyone who could confuse a single blinking red light with several solid red ones ought not to be on the road in the first place.

This is a reasonably sensible conclusion to draw, until you are furnished with two other pieces of information. First off, Americans primarily drive automatic cars. Automatic cars don’t slow down appreciably when you lift off the accelerator, so you often need to give the brake a little tap when trying to maintain pace with traffic. Or perhaps two or three little taps. This introduces a behaviour not unlike flashing in your brake lights. Secondly, unlike most other countries, America doesn’t require any sort of roadworthiness test alongside its road tax. This means that there are oceans of cars out there with one single operational brake light.

These two facts conspire with the red-only lights to produce an effect which could fairly easily be confused for a turn signal, especially in stop-go traffic. In order to save confusion, I propose that every car is fitted with one large, centrally mounted red light. The light comes on automatically whenever the driver moves the gear lever or steers. Not only will this save money, it will also mean there can never again be a confusing signal. Unless the light is broken.