So I’ve been working on this mobile phone application. The primary purpose of the app is to stop people who’d had a few beers and taken the train home from dozing off and missing their train station. My app will use the GPS to track their progress, then wake them up before they sleep past their train station. However, it can also be used for all sorts of other location-based triggers – SMSing your carpool buddy when you’re about to arrive and pick him up; letting your dad know when he should come and meet you from the bus stop, et cetera. You basically pick a location, and a bunch of things you’d like to do there, and it does them (you can also pick multiple locations).

The app is pretty much finished, but it is currently uninspiringly called “LocAlarm”. I need a way better name, and I am willing to give three signed copies of The Septic’s Companion to the person who thinks of one. How’s about THAT?

Why can’t I think of one myself? Well, it’s kind of complicated. I want it to be immediately apparent that it will stop you sleeping past your train/bus stop (because that’s mostly what it’s for) but I also don’t want to rule out all those other uses. The situation is complicated by the fact that it will be sold through the Windows Mobile Marketplace site, where people will only see the icon, app name and my company name, like so:

Clicking on the app shows a long description. This means that my program name and icon have to alert the casual browser to the fact that that this is to stop him sleeping past his train station, but also does other stuff. I was originally keen to have some sort of catchy Twitter-style name – was thinking about “Jitterbug” (as in “wake me up, before you go-go”) or “Dozer” but I think this is a no-go as you’d actually have to click on the app to see what it did. I then got thinking about some train-specific catchy ones (“WakeMeUp“, “BRT“) but wasn’t too happy that either of them was particularly great. The maximum length of app name is 58 characters, so I am now heading towards something horribly bland and Microsofty (“GPS Alarm“, “Location Alarm“) – I hate myself for doing this but, given the way in which the app is going to appear, I think it might be my only option.

Does anyone have any better ideas? If anyone can come up with some sort of name (and ideally an icon too) that somehow tells the reader all these things, I shall be delighted to send them three books. I will also immortalise them on the credits screen for the app, should they wish!

So, the other night I collated all of the name suggestions I’d had for my mobile application. Spread across Facebook and the comments on the blog post, I had fifty six of them! Anyway, I printed them all out (with no names attached) and showed them to several people:

• Myself
• A friend of mine who works in marketing
• A friend of mine who works in publishing
• My wife (this doesn’t really count, as she said “you didn’t put my suggestion on there” and then refused to look at it)
• A selection of my colleagues at my real job

There were a few popular ones. In the end, these people whittled it down to small batch (some of which got modified in the whittling process). The ones left were:

• Proximity
• Commuter’s Companion
• BuzzStop
• Are We There Yet?
• Whereabouts

These are all pretty good names, but there can be only one winner. And the winner is…

… drum roll…

“Proximity”.

This wasn’t actually suggested by anyone on its own, but it was a part of a number of suggestions from a gentleman named Eamon Holmes, on Facebook. I’m pronouncing Eamon the winner, and will send through his books. Many thanks to all who took part – I expected about three responses so was somewhat surprised by what happened. A lot of the funny ones gave us a lot of entertainment but may possibly not count as very professional. And I am, of course, exceptionally professional at all times.

I’ll be posting here again when the app is available – will probably be in a month or so.

I was inspired yesterday by my friend Richard MacKinnon to go hunting for the search terms people have used to find my site. I use Google Analytics to monitor my site traffic, which provides a nice way of scrolling through these. Of course, most of them are pretty predictable – “british insults”, “british slang”, “british slang words” et cetera. What’s more interesting is where you scroll down to the searches that had only one single occurence.

Some of these were still looking for my site.

the septic’s guide
septic dictionary
septic mans dictionary
syptic companion

Some of them were looking for the right sort of thing, although perhaps they didn’t find it on my site.

what does the term love mean to british

[Lady, I think this means it was a one night stand.]

british euphemisms has your wooden leg fallen off

[Are you pulling my leg?]

Some people were just angry. About stuff.

why are americans such tosspots
are audio cable companies taking the piss

Some people needed help with something.

how to demo letter g?

[This is your seventh demo, right?]

derogatory chat up lines

[Hmm. Your mother told you this was a good idea?]

am i most likely to date a guy thats starts with the letter c

[Perhaps, but I’ve a sense it’s not me.]

c-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s meaning in each letter

[Fact: Christmas started as an acronym.]

what do americans call faggotts

[Well, erm…]

I want to have a pear everyday is that ok

[Knock yourself out. Assuming you’re eating it, there are worse vices.]

what belt would faggot attic ed wear

[I’m going to a fancy dress party as Ed. Ed. You know Ed. No, not that Ed. Faggot Attic Ed.]

Some people were looking for… well, they were looking for something. Heaven knows what it was. I’d like to warn readers that this is where it’s going to start getting more colourful. If Faggot Attic Ed was too much for you, close this window now.

“fag snow fairy”

[For the person who’s tried everything on top of the tree.]

the bitterness of s.w.o.t. is in the analysis,while the sweetness of wedding cake is in the icing sugar.discuss

[The nonsequiteur seminar seemed to have started well.]

why do prostitutes eat ice cream

[Good question. And why is it that they wave when they see someone they recognise? Those crazy prostitutes.]

strung up by the tits tube

[YouTube for the sado masochist.]

is the word fucking religion an insult?

[That’s two words. And probably.]

colloquialism for nothing dick

[Yep, I’ve got ole’ nothing dick again.]

wanking with washing up liquid

[Not recommended. It says on the bottle that it softens your hands.]

wellington boots wanking 

[Unless these are children’s boots, you’re better endowed than I am.]

big fat black slaves hung by pantyhose

[There’s no such thing as an overly-specific fetish.]

animal words for willies and vaginas beaver

[If animals could talk, my bet would be that this was a likely topic.]

dog buggers the grandmother

[Not just any grandmother.]

russian or romany lady required as live in 4-sex shagg buy please apply if you can help

[I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart that some people didn’t end up with very accurate search results.]

how to get your wife to make sense and shag you

[Do you need these simultaneously?]

how to strangle your manky skanky daughters

[It’s just the same as strangling other people. Drop some search terms for better results.]

how to transport a naked girl into your house in two seconds 

[On wheels? Or teleport?]

if was going to shove veggies up my pussy i use a zucchini

[This is why nobody at the party understood! Those Brits call them aubergines!]

And finally, onto some personal favourites.

replica of chocolate cocks

[A real chocolate cock?! What do you take me for?]

arab womne looking like binbags

[Come on, admit it. We’ve all done this search after a few beers.]

quickest way to deflate boner at the beach

[My site is pretty much guaranteed to have provided some results.]

where can you fine scandinavian grope suit 

[Well, sir, they’re over here. What chest size are you. Oh – wait – *Scandinavian*?]

what do you call a system that really slows work flow in a company 

Ah yes. That would be the internet. Back to work, everyone.