n Scotch tape. Sellotape (a contraction of “cellophane tape”) is the name of the largest manufacturer of sticky tape in the U.K.

n pre-decimalisation U.K. unit of currency – worth a twentieth of a pound, which was then twelve pence.

n dumpster. It’s odd that something as revolting should develop such a pleasant name. The dumpster was invented by a man called Skip Mandible. This is a lie.

n baseboard. The little wooden bit of edging that goes around the bottom of the walls in your house so that when you stub your toe you don’t put your foot through the plasterboard.

n speed-bump. The name probably derives from a time when narcoleptic policemen were employed to slow down traffic.

n bar of soap. To a Brit, soap is specifically the soap you use to wash yourself in the bath, not something you’d use to wash clothes or dishes.

1 n wrench. 2 adj A very mild friendly insult: Bob’ll be a bit late; the spanner left his phone in a taxi.

n training wheels. The little extra set of wheels that your parents put on your bicycle to stop you from falling off all the time when you’re learning to ride. My parents never got any… I think they secretly enjoyed watching me injure myself in the name of learning.

n box cutter. The small retractable knives used for cutting up cardboard boxes and hijacking aircraft. In the U.K., these are mostly manufactured by a company called Stanley. The knives, not aircraft.

n Weed-Whacker. A gardening device held at waist level, with a piece of nylon cord near the ground which whips around to slice the stems of errant plants and the toenails of inebriated pensioners.

n public address system. The odd name derives rather simply from the fact that a company called Tannoy were among the more prominent early developers of such a device.

n dish-towel; dish-cloth. The thing you use to dry the dishes if you don’t have a dishwasher. It’s my belief that dishwashers are the most important invention of the twentieth century. Perhaps it’ll be your belief too, now.

n TV. The term “TV” is well used and understood in the U.K., but telly is more common.

n cash register. The device at the checkout of a shop upon which the assistant works out how much you have to pay, and which contains the money paid by other customers. That has to be the most long-winded and hapless definition I’ve written lately. The word “till” is used in the U.S. but refers to the removable drawer tray in the machine, not the whole device.

n whiteout; Liquid Paper. You know, the stuff that you use to paint over mistakes you’ve made on bits of paper. The stuff that smells good. Fuck, that’s good. Look at the pretty colours. Who wants popcorn?

1 n flashlight. The word originally referred to real burning torches and so … 2 v …has also developed into a verb meaning “to set fire to”: Diego’s mate fucked us over with the DVD deal so we torched the place.

n 1 shopping cart. The device in which you put your shopping while going around the supermarket. 2 refreshment cart, as seen on trains, planes, in offices and such like. What Americans call “trolleys,” the Brits call “trams.”

n The baton used by policemen to quieten down rowdy charges. The Brits still have sticks, whilst many American police forces have replaced them with unusually heavy flashlights.

1 n VCR: I left it in the living room sitting on top of the video. And yes, they do call the tapes “videos” too. These days the general concept of a video tape is fading into the distant past as DVD takes over. Perhaps eventually I’ll remove this. 2 v record onto videotape: Mary and I spent the weekend videoing the neighbours copulating.

n toilet. A currently-used acronym which stands for the not-so-currently used term “water closet.” This term stems from a time early in toilet development when they were nothing more than a carefully waterproofed cupboard filled halfway up with seawater. Not to be confused with a “W.P.C.” (Woman Police Constable).