The ten best track cars, chosen by a spreadsheet

Posted on October 7, 2011 by chris

I’ve often wondered how successfully one could choose a car by looking purely at numbers, and nothing else. So, without further ado, here’s my list of the best road cars to drive on a race track, as declared by my spreadsheet.

Position	Car
1st	Tesla Roadster Sport
2nd	Porsche Cayman R
3rd	Lamborghini Gallardo Coupe LP 570-4 Superleggera
4th	Ferrari 430 Scuderia
5th	Porsche 911 GT3 RS 4.0 Coupe
6th	Audi TT Coupe
7th	Audi R8 GT
8th	Aston Martin V8 Vantage S Coupé
9th	Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG
10th	Audi S4 Sedan 3.0

Okay, there you go. That’s that decided. Now, should you be interested, here’s how I got to this list.

I downloaded the textfile version of Freebase’s automotive data
I loaded it into Excel. I am now looking at 23, 812 cars
I filtered out all the automatic transmissions – down to 6392 cars (presumably this data is somewhat skewed towards America)
I filtered out the front-wheel drive cars – down to 5312
I filtered for 0-60 times of less than 6 seconds – down to 355
I took the lightest ten by curb weight

Here’s the list I had at this point:

2010 Tesla Roadster Sport
2010 Tesla Roadster
2011 Tesla Roadster Sport 2.5
2011 Tesla Roadster 2.5
2011 Porsche Boxster Spyder
2011 Porsche Cayman R
2011 Porsche Boxster Spyder AT
2011 Porsche Cayman R AT
2011 Porsche Cayman
2011 Porsche Boxster

The list is actually fairly reasonable, although unfortunately it’s not very exciting, because it only contains cars from two manufacturers, and a limited set of models at that. So for each car model we’ll take only the lightest, because they make the best racing cars anyway. This cuts my list down to:

2010 Tesla Roadster Sport
2011 Porsche Boxster Spyder
2011 Porsche Cayman R
2011 Lamborghini Gallardo Coupe LP 570-4 Superleggera
2008 Ferrari 430 Scuderia
2011 Porsche 911 GT3 RS 4.0 Coupe
2012 Audi TT Coupe
2011 Porsche 911 Carrera 4 Cabriolet
2012 Audi R8 GT
2010 Nissan 370Z Roadster

The only problem with this new list is the presence of the convertibles. Without trying to get into mud-slinging here, it’s a fairly well-established fact that convertibles don’t have great structural rigidity and so the hardtop version of a given car will normally race better than the convertible. It’s certainly true that when a car has both convertible and hardtop versions, the manufacturer does not tend to race the convertible. Fortunately there are no rag-tops here without a hardtop equivalent, so I didn’t feel too guilty when I filtered out the convertibles manually, leaving me the list at the top of the article.

Obviously this system of selecting cars isn’t perfect, but there are a few caveats beyond even that in this specific data set. The Freebase database has hardly any weights for cars more than two or three years old, and the acceleration figures are missing for many. I’d love to have included some other factors (lap times; weight distribution; price) but these things aren’t present in the data set.

The exercise did teach me a few things, though. First off, Aston Martins and AMGs aren’t quite as fat as I thought they were, and neither is the Tesla roadster, despite all those batteries. Next was the heavy presence of Audis, which aren’t really known as especially wonderful track cars, and the entire lack of BMW, which are (the M3 fell just short of the top ten). And the complete lack of my own car (but hey, maybe this shows I’m unbiased).

Ah well. It turns out there’s more to cars than numbers. But you knew that.

Want to do your own filtering? Download my spreadsheet and play away.

Posted in cars | 1 Comment

Mind the bollocks: A quiz about Britain

Posted on August 23, 2011 by chris

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Many people have asked me whether I have ever written a quiz about Britain, to go along with my horrible book. Well, actually, only one person. No matter. I have now written a quiz.

Oh yes, I know you're sitting thinking "I don't have time for this nonsense". But, let's be honest, you're sitting at work, and what you're working on is so late that, frankly, ten minutes isn't going to save it.

If you get answers wrong, you can try them again (but you'll get fewer points). Start Congratulations - you have completed this terrible quiz, and wasted another fifteen minutes in the office.

You scored %%PERCENTAGE%%.

Perhaps the most logical thing to do now is find some more details about the book you hopefully have in the back of your mind. Or visit the web site, where most of the book's contents are available free of charge anyway. Bugger. I knew there was some reason I didn't make any money from this.
Your answers are highlighted below.

Question 1

Which side of the road do the British drive on?

	Left
	Right Hint: Almost. But given that there are only two answers, also kind of crap

Question 1 Explanation:They sit on the right side of the car, but they drive on the left side of the road. At least, most of them do.

Question 2

The legal age for purchasing alcohol in the UK is:

	16 Hint: In a way, but not what I was looking for
	18
	21 Hint: What sort of a civilised country would have that?
	25

Question 2 Explanation:You can drink with a meal at sixteen when your parents are present, but you have to wait until you're eighteen to collapse face-down in puke in a bar. Good things come to those who wait.

Question 3

Politically, Northern Ireland is:

	Part of Ireland Hint: There are places you'd get strung up for that
	Part of the United Kingdom
	Part of Great Britain Hint: There are places you'd get strung up for that
	An independent state Hint: There are places you'd get strung up for that

Question 3 Explanation:Although a part of the Ireland land mass, Northern Ireland is a part of the United Kingdom state.

Question 4

The British Prime Minister is:

	Gordon Brown Hint: Cast your mind a bit less far back...
	Tony Blair Hint: Cast your mind a bit less far back...
	Her Majesty the Queen
	David Cameron

Question 5

The legendary Scottish dish, “haggis”, is primarily made from:

	The intestines of a sheep
	The vomit of a cow Hint: I'm never eating at your place
	The gizzard of an Englishman Hint: I wish...
	The bowel of a pig
	All of the above Hint: I'm never eating at your place

Question 5 Explanation:Like every other country, Scotland has its share of delicacies from a time many hundreds of years ago when subsistence farming was the best we could do and all we had to eat was dog poo and grass. Unlike every other country, Scotland didn't come up with any replacement dishes in the intervening centuries.

Question 6

To a Brit, “fanny” is:

	A lady’s front bottom
	An old-fashioned girl’s name
	One’s posterior
	A and B
	B and C
	A, B and C Hint: This may cause more confusion than any normal society could bear.

Question 6 Explanation:From The Septic's Companion a competitively-priced guide to the life, language and culture of the United Kingdom:

fanny: n female genitalia. This is another word which could leave you abroad and in dire straits. In the U.S., your fanny is your posterior and a “fanny pack” is what Brits decided to call a “bum bag” instead. There’s a neoprene belt sold in the U.S. that is designed to stop snow from entering your ski jacket during a fall. It is marketed under the name “Fanny Flaps.” It is not for sale in the U.K.

Question 7

What is the primary official function of the House of Lords?

	To write laws
	To double-check laws written by the House of Commons
	To represent the Queen in parliamentary discussions
	To allow elderly people somewhere comfortable to sleep Hint: I said "official"

Question 7 Explanation:The House of Lords is intended to be the emergency escape valve of democracy in the United Kingdom in the same way as guns are in the United States. Difficult to tell which one works better, but guns probably work faster.

Question 8

British people measure their own weights in:

	kilograms Hint: What is this? The twenty-first century?
	pounds and ounces Hint: Sadly this is one instance where the Brits are even more backwards than the Americans
	hundredweight
	stones

Question 8 Explanation:Although Britain is on the metric system for almost everything else, human weight is still measured in stones. One stone is fourteen pounds, although pounds aren't used in the UK any more, making stones effectively indivisible.

Question 9

British road signs show distances in:

	Miles for large distances, yards for small ones Hint: Perhaps once, but not any more...
	Kilometres for large distances, metres for small ones
	Miles for large distances, metres for small ones
	Kilometres for large distances, yards for small ones

Question 9 Explanation:What else could possibly make sense?

Question 10

If you order a beer in the UK, it will be:

	One pint (16oz) Hint: Sadly that's not the size of a British pint
	Half a litre
	One litre
	One pint (20oz)

Question 10 Explanation:Sure, Britain's metric, but you can't take away the pint.

Question 11

When you walk into a building in the UK, you:

	Are on the first floor
	Are on the ground floor
	Are on the second floor
	Have broken your nose Hint: Come on. Take this seriously. But hey, I bet you're at work anyway

Question 11 Explanation:In the UK, the first floor is the one above street level. The first two-floor buildings were extensions to original buildings, and so at the time it seemed logical to only number the extension floors.

Question 12

The southernmost point on the British mainland is called:

	Land’s End Hint: This is the westernmost, not the southernmost
	John O’Groats Hint: Close - that's the northernmost
	The Point of Good Hope
	Lizard Point

Question 12 Explanation:So called because... hmm... your guess is as good as mine.

Question 13

If a British person told you he could “murder a fag”, would you:

	Put the oven on Hint: Let's not even go there
	Put the kettle on
	Take him to a convenience store
	Phone the police Hint: If you're a militant health activist, perhaps

Question 13 Explanation:From The Septic's Companion a famous and yet well-priced work of literature:

fag: 1 n cigarette. In very widespread use. One of the most amusing emails I’ve had concerning this word was from an American who had arrived at her company’s U.K. offices to be told that the person she was looking for was “outside blowing a fag.”

Question 14

What is a minger?

	A collector of Chinese pottery Hint: I like your thinking. But not enough
	A football goal scored on a rebound
	An unattractive woman

Question 14 Explanation:From The Septic's Companion a seemingly familiar book:

minger: adj. pron. “ming-er” someone breathtakingly unattractive: She looked okay when we were in the bar, but when I woke up the next morning it turned out she was a complete minger. On fire and put out with a shovel, that sort of thing.

Question 15

A good way of cheating at the game of Conkers involves:

	A prosthetic leg
	Green paint
	A bag of sand
	Wood varnish

Question 15 Explanation:From that bloody book again:

conkers: n a game in which two combatants, each armed with the nut-shaped seed of a horse chestnut tree on a string, take turns to whack the opponent's nut with theirs until one breaks. Yes, it's a little odd. Yes, there is very little skill involved. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Question 16

A friend’s mother asks if you’d like to have Spotted Dick. Do you:

	Get ready at the dinner table
	Take your shirt off Hint: Always an option, but not the one we were looking for.
	Pull out your medical records
	Politely decline Hint: Decline your friend's mother?! Have you no manners?

Question 16 Explanation:spotted dick: n a suet pudding with raisins in it, often served on festive occasions and with custard. And yes, the Brits do use “dick” to mean the same thing Americans do.

Question 17

A friend’s mother asks if you’d like to have a shag. Do you:

	Get ready at the dinner table Hint: Not impossible, but not what I was looking for
	Take your shirt off Hint: It's your friend's mother, for heaven's sake. Have you no decency?
	Pull out your medical records Hint: It's your friend's mother, for heaven's sake. Have you no decency?
	Politely decline

Question 17 Explanation:shag: 1 v lay (sexual). Usually refers to the act of intercourse itself, except when used by a bloke giving his mates the details about what happened with that tidy bird he pulled in the club the night before. In this case, the term shag should be interpreted to mean anything between a peck on the cheek and a punch in the face. Brits find very amusing the use of the word “shag” in the U.S. to refer to certain dances.

Question 18

How does one pronounce the word “water”?

	Waw-turr
	Wodder Hint: You're American, right?
	Wodr Hint: You're from the south, right?
	W’r Hint: You're from the deep south, right?

Question 18 Explanation:No reference to book, but don't worry. There will be more.

Question 19

Snogging is best performed:

	By yourself Hint: If it were possible, this might be nice. But I'm thinking it's not
	With a friend
	With family Hint: This is a family quiz, geared at not that sort of family

Question 19 Explanation:snog: v make out; French kiss: I had a couple too many beers and ended up snogging the bouncer.

Question 20

On what date do the British celebrate the 4^th of July?

	4/7 Hint: This wasn't the type of question you thought it was
	7/4
	They don’t celebrate the 4th of July

Question 20 Explanation:Although the Brits are very pleased to be rid of the Americans, they don't celebrate it annually

Question 21

When was the British constitution signed?

	1215 Hint: This year saw the signing of the Magna Carta (which somewhat limited the monarch's privileges), but not the signing of a constitution
	1666 Hint: This year saw the Battle of Hastings. Some arrows chucked but nothing important signed
	1707 Hint: This year saw the signing of the Act of Union, which unified Scotland and England. No signing of no consitutions, though...
	There is no British constitution
	It's still waiting on the House of Lords to ratify it Hint: This is the second-best answer, but not the best.

Question 21 Explanation:Although the United Kingdom is a constitutional monarchy, the constitution is not codified.

Question 22

When did England and Scotland formally unite?

	1215 Hint: This year saw the signing of the Magna Carta (which somewhat limited the monarch's privileges), but no unions
	1066 Hint: This year saw the Battle of Hastings. Some arrows chucked but nothing important signed
	1707
	They didn’t, they are technically still at war Hint: You've been watching too many football matches

Question 22 Explanation:As Winston Churchill once said, Scotland and England are "two nations divided by a common language". Or was it George Bernard Shaw. And he might have been talking about some other country.

Question 23

In a pub, one should traditionally tip:

	Tip?! In a pub?! Are you crackers?
	£1 per drink
	£0.50 per drink
	10%

Question 23 Explanation:Money left on a bar in a UK pub will be mistaken for an accident and invariably stolen by another patron or returned.

Question 24

You ask a Brit the time, and she replies “half nine”. Is the time:

	8:30
	4:30 Hint: In your mind exists a society so strange it may even be interesting
	9:00
	9:30

Question 24 Explanation:Can't think of anything witty. It's a time of day, for heaven's sake.

Question 25

When driving on the motorway in your car, you see the following sign:

This means the speed limit:

	Is 60mph
	Is 70mph
	Does not apply Hint: Probably for the best that you read this before going to the UK. Wait, you live there?!
	Only applies in wet weather

Question 25 Explanation:Technically it means "national speed limit applies", but this is 70mph on motorways. The reason it doesn't just say "70mph" is because until 1965 there was no national speed limit, and the sign meant "go for it". And, well, signs are expensive.

Question 26

A good way to learn about the United Kingdom is:

	Invade it
	Have an affair with a British person
	Have an affair whilst pretending to be a British person
	Buy a copy of The Septic's Companion, a competitively-priced guide to the life, language and culture of the United Kingdom
	Any of the above

Question 26 Explanation:They're all good, I'd say, so no points for this question. Of course, we each have our opinions as to the best.

Once you are finished, click the button below. Any items you have not completed will be marked incorrect. Get Results

There are 26 questions to complete.

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Flickr Explore photo now up

Posted on November 1, 2010 by chris

As promised, I am going to get a photo on Explore. This, my friends, is that photo. Here goes nothing.

Click the photo to view on Flickr.

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Pictures of funny things from my phone

Posted on October 6, 2010 by chris

Like any other mobile phone owner, I occasionally take photographs of things that I find amusing. Often, like other irritating pedants, these are linguistic mistakes. More often than not, they involve things in quotations. These just languish on my phone… when I get a new phone, I copy them to it, and then they languish there instead. Occasionally after a few beers I get into one of those “everyone show each other the funny pictures from their phone” sessions, which is the only time they get an outing. Well, not now. Now I’m giving them to the world!

And, well, here they all are. They’re from a mixture of countries and date back to 2000 or so. Perhaps I’ll start a brand new collection, and blog about that in 2020.