I was inspired yesterday by my friend Richard MacKinnon to go hunting for the search terms people have used to find my site. I use Google Analytics to monitor my site traffic, which provides a nice way of scrolling through these. Of course, most of them are pretty predictable – “british insults”, “british slang”, “british slang words” et cetera. What’s more interesting is where you scroll down to the searches that had only one single occurence.
Some of these were still looking for my site.
the septic’s guide
septic mans dictionary
Some of them were looking for the right sort of thing, although perhaps they didn’t find it on my site.
what does the term love mean to british[Lady, I think this means it was a one night stand.]
british euphemisms has your wooden leg fallen off[Are you pulling my leg?]
Some people were just angry. About stuff.
why are americans such tosspots
are audio cable companies taking the piss
Some people needed help with something.
how to demo letter g?[This is your seventh demo, right?]
derogatory chat up lines[Hmm. Your mother told you this was a good idea?]
am i most likely to date a guy thats starts with the letter c[Perhaps, but I’ve a sense it’s not me.]
c-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s meaning in each letter[Fact: Christmas started as an acronym.]
what do americans call faggotts[Well, erm…]
I want to have a pear everyday is that ok[Knock yourself out. Assuming you’re eating it, there are worse vices.]
what belt would faggot attic ed wear[I’m going to a fancy dress party as Ed. Ed. You know Ed. No, not that Ed. Faggot Attic Ed.]
Some people were looking for… well, they were looking for something. Heaven knows what it was. I’d like to warn readers that this is where it’s going to start getting more colourful. If Faggot Attic Ed was too much for you, close this window now.
“fag snow fairy”[For the person who’s tried everything on top of the tree.]
the bitterness of s.w.o.t. is in the analysis,while the sweetness of wedding cake is in the icing sugar.discuss[The nonsequiteur seminar seemed to have started well.]
why do prostitutes eat ice cream[Good question. And why is it that they wave when they see someone they recognise? Those crazy prostitutes.]
strung up by the tits tube[YouTube for the sado masochist.]
is the word fucking religion an insult?[That’s two words. And probably.]
colloquialism for nothing dick[Yep, I’ve got ole’ nothing dick again.]
wanking with washing up liquid[Not recommended. It says on the bottle that it softens your hands.]
wellington boots wanking[Unless these are children’s boots, you’re better endowed than I am.]
big fat black slaves hung by pantyhose[There’s no such thing as an overly-specific fetish.]
animal words for willies and vaginas beaver[If animals could talk, my bet would be that this was a likely topic.]
dog buggers the grandmother[Not just any grandmother.]
russian or romany lady required as live in 4-sex shagg buy please apply if you can help[I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart that some people didn’t end up with very accurate search results.]
how to get your wife to make sense and shag you[Do you need these simultaneously?]
how to strangle your manky skanky daughters[It’s just the same as strangling other people. Drop some search terms for better results.]
how to transport a naked girl into your house in two seconds[On wheels? Or teleport?]
if was going to shove veggies up my pussy i use a zucchini[This is why nobody at the party understood! Those Brits call them aubergines!]
And finally, onto some personal favourites.
replica of chocolate cocks[A real chocolate cock?! What do you take me for?]
arab womne looking like binbags[Come on, admit it. We’ve all done this search after a few beers.]
quickest way to deflate boner at the beach[My site is pretty much guaranteed to have provided some results.]
where can you fine scandinavian grope suit[Well, sir, they’re over here. What chest size are you. Oh – wait – *Scandinavian*?]
what do you call a system that really slows work flow in a company
Ah yes. That would be the internet. Back to work, everyone.