jam

n jelly. Sort of. What Americans call “jelly” (fruit preserve without fruity-bits in it), Brits still call jam. What Americans call “jello,” Brits call “jelly.” Oh yes, and what Americans call “jam” is still also called jam in the U.K. I think that’s the jams pretty much covered.

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jelly

n Jell-o. Gelatinous sweet desert. The Jell-o brand doesn’t exist in the U.K. British jelly is not like American “jelly” – Brits don’t distinguish between fruit preserves with or without fruit in them – they’re all “jam”.

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joint

n large side of meat, like a Sunday roast. The Brits, like the Americans, also use the word to refer to cannabis spliffs, which means that these days you’d be unlikely to get away with referring to your “Sunday joint” without someone giggling.

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lemonade

n a clear, carbonated drink very similar to Sprite or 7-Up, but with only lemons instead of limes. In the U.S. (and in the U.K., but under the moniker “traditional lemonade”) the word “lemonade” refers to a variant that, for want of a better description, is a bit more lemony. It’s darker in colour, not carbonated and often contains bits of lemon. Nowadays young drinkers on street corners in both the U.K. and the U.S. enjoy alcopop lemonade (“hard lemonade”), which is carbonated on both sides of the Atlantic. By that I don’t mean it’s carbonated on one side of the Atlantic, then flown over and carbonated on the other prior to sale. But you knew that.

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Marmite

n a sandwich spread based upon yeast extract. Similar to “Bovril,” which is made from beef extract. Australians have a very similar spread called “Vegemite,” which is a little less sharp in taste.

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marrow

n squash. The vegetable.

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mince pie

n a sweet pie, traditionally served at Christmas, containing suet and mixed fruit. Not mincemeat. Step away from the mincemeat. No mincemeat to see here. Traditionally they did contain mincemeat, as the easiest way to preserve meat was to mince it and then mix it with various fruits. Actually, that probably isn’t the easiest way at all. The easiest way is probably to bury it in salt. Anyway – the animals having been slaughtered prior to the onset of winter, the mince pies were enjoyed at Christmas because the “preserved” meat was by then pretty much ready to walk out the door by itself. But it was okay, because everyone was kinda drunk.

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nosh

1 n food: Right, the pub’s shut, let’s get some nosh. 2 v perform oral sex: Rumour has it she didn’t answer the phone because she was noshing the vicar at the time.

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on the lash

adj out drinking: Bob’s in a terrible state since he got divorced – I think he’s been on the lash every night.

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peckish

adj hungry. Absolutely nothing to do with “pecker.” Only a little hungry, mind, not ravenous – you wouldn’t hear people on the news talking about refugees who’d tramped across mountains for two weeks and were as a result a little peckish.

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pickle

n 1 a sort of brown, strongly flavoured blobby mass that people put in sandwiches. I’m really not very sure what it’s made of. Pickled something, one can only hope. 2 any sort of pickled cucumber or gherkin (universal).

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piece

n Scottish packed lunch. Quintessentially Scottish: Will ye be coming for lunch, Willie? / Nah, ah’ve brought ma piece.

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pips

n seeds. The little seeds in the middle of fruit guaranteed to get stuck in your teeth.

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pissed

adj drunk. Brits do not use it alone as a contraction of “pissed off,” which means that Americans saying things like “I was really pissed with my boss at work today” leaves Brits wide-eyed. go out on the – venture out drinking. taking the – poking fun at someone. May well be a throwback to the U.S. use of the word.

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pogged

n Northern English stuffed; full of food. Derivation is anybody’s guess.

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Pot Noodle

n Cup-o-Noodle. Little pots of noodles, upon which you simply pour boiling water to the “fill level” and lo, all of a sudden you have a perfectly delicious and nutritious meal for one. One student, one overworked employee or one neglected pensioner, normally. I don’t think it mentions that on the pot.

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prawn

n the least powerful piece on a chess board. OK, I lied. It’s a shrimp.

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pudding

n dessert: If you keep spitting at your grandfather like that you’re going to bed without any pudding! Brits do also use the word in the same sense as Americans do (Christmas pudding, rice pudding, etc). The word “dessert” is used in the U.K. but really only in restaurants, never in the home. To complicate things further, the Brits have main meal dishes which are described as puddingblack pudding and white pudding. These are revolting subsistence foods from the dark ages made with offal, ground oatmeal, dried pork and rubbish from the kitchen floor. The difference between the black and white puddings is that the black one contains substantial quantities of blood. This, much like haggis, is one of those foodstuffs that modern life has saved us from but that people insist on dredging up because it’s a part of their “cultural heritage.” Bathing once a year and shitting in a bucket was a part of your cultural heritage too, you know. At least be consistent.

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rat-arsed

adj exceedingly drunk. Also abbreviated as simply ratted. Possibly derived from a time when dead rats would be dangled in cider vats to give them extra flavour. At least, according to the person who told me that.

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rocket

n arugula.

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