n personal assistant. There is something of a new vogue in the U.K. for calling secretaries “personal assistants”: “Mr McDonald’s secretary? No I certainly am not. Mr McDonald doesn’t have a secretary. I am his pee-ay, thank you very much!”

n mix-up; cluster. A confusion that arose from something that probably ought to have been simpler: I thought it was going to take ten minutes to renew my passport when I came out of prison but… boy, what a palava.

n light-hearted play, usually performed at Christmas and aimed at children. Pantomimes traditionally feature a man playing one of the lead female parts (the “pantomime dame”). There is a certain repertory of standard pantomimes (Jack and the Beanstalk, Cinderella, Aladdin to name a few) and often reparatory groups will make up their own ones, either off the top of their thespian heads or based on other plays. The lead parts are usually played by second-rate soap-opera actors or half-dead theatrical-types. The whole genre is pretty crap, and essentially only exists so that children with special needs can feel normal.

1 n underpants. What Americans call “pants,” Brits call “trousers.” 2 interj crap. A general derogatory word: We went to see Andy playing in his band but to be honest they were pants.

n Kerosene. The fuel used in some lamps, greenhouse heaters and such like. To confuse matters somewhat further, Americans call candle-wax “paraffin.”

1 adj cold; chilly; nippy. 2 n an abbreviation for Park-keeper. Despite my cavernous capacity for humour, try as I might I couldn’t find any way to tie these in together.

n a small candy. I don’t know enough about candy to be more specific. A while ago the word was used to refer to cough drops, but now Brits largely call those “lozenges” or “throat sweets.” The main use of the word now is in the branded chewy sweets made by Rowntree called Fruit Pastilles.

n pron. with a short “a,” as in “hat” meat or vegetable-filled pastries. Not to be confused with “pasties” (long “a,” as in “face”), which in the U.S. are a flat pad designed to be put over the nipple to avoid it being too prominent. Or attach tassels to, depending on your fancy.

n Solitaire. A card game played alone. I once wrote that the Brits would no doubt start calling it “solitaire” eventually, and some bastard half my age wrote to me to tell me that “mainly older people” call it “patience.” So, sadly, I have to add here that this term is used by “mainly older people.” This reminds me of the time my mother came home in tears when a boy scout had tried to help her across the road. Rather oddly, we Brits also call another game “Solitaire.” Just go and look it up like a man.

n sidewalk. Brits call the part that cars drive on “Tarmac.” I wonder how many holidaymakers have been run over as a result of this confusion. Well, probably none really. I digress. Historically, “sidewalk” is in fact an old, now-unused British English word meaning exactly what the Americans take it to mean.

n raise: Do you think they took it as a joke? / Well, some people were laughing at the start but, as the ice cream melted, Ian started to get really uncomfortable and I don’t think anyone really thought it was very funny. I doubt I’ll get the sack, but I certainly won’t be getting a pay rise.

adj gone wrong. Usually it’s meant in a rather jovial sense, in a similar way to the American expression “out of kilter” or “off kilter”: Well, I was supposed to have a civilised dinner with my mates but we had a few drinks and it all went a bit pear-shaped. You would be less likely to see: Well, she went in for the operation but the transplant organ’s been rejected and the doctor says it’s all gone a bit pear-shaped. Possible derivations involve glass-blowing or hot-air ballooning. Separately.

n penis. A common misconception is that, to Brits, this means “chin” – hence the phrase “keep your pecker up.” Sorry folks, but in the U.K. “pecker” means exactly the same thing as it does in the U.S. The phrase “keep your pecker up” is probably derived from a time when a “pecker” was simply a reference to a bird’s beak and encouraged keeping your head held high. I understand that the word became a euphemism for “penis” after the poet Catullus used it to refer to his love Lesbia’s pet sparrow in a rather suggestive poem which drew some fairly blatant parallels.

adj hungry. Absolutely nothing to do with “pecker.” Only a little hungry, mind, not ravenous – you wouldn’t hear people on the news talking about refugees who’d tramped across mountains for two weeks and were as a result a little peckish.

adj unique: These street signs are peculiar to Birmingham. Because Brits also share the more conventional meaning (“unusual”), it does slightly imply that. If street signs can really be that unusual. Also applies to things other than street signs.

n pedestrian crossing. An area of the road, marked with black and white stripes, where traffic lights stop cars so that pedestrians can cross. A contraction of “PEdestrian LIght CONtrolled crossing.” Yes, I know that would be “pelicon.” People were stupid back then.

n pocket knife. A small retractable knife, often with several handy fold-out accoutrements for getting into alcoholic beverages and removing girl scouts from horses’ hooves.

n senior. Quite simply someone who is drawing their pension, i.e. over the age of 65. Brits also use the acronym OAP, meaning “Old-Aged Pensioner.”

n Plexiglas. A sort of plastic equivalent of glass. Perspex is a brand name of the acrylic company Lucite. Their advertising literature probably has all sorts of fancy terms in it about covalent bonds and stress ratings, and perhaps doesn’t even use the phrase “a sort of plastic equivalent of glass.” Unless maybe they have a layman’s FAQ at the end.

n gas. An abbreviation of “petroleum,” much like “gas” is an abbreviation of “gasoline.”