Wrong: Root beer

Once you get to the age of thirty or so, you’re pretty much done with truly new taste sensations. You’ve experienced the strange dryness of buffalo meat. You’ve savoured the odd nuttiness of a brussell sprout. You’ve gasped at the awkward sharpness of cilantro.

We’re all prone to exaggeration. There’s a world of difference between “that looks like shit” and, well, shit. When you announce “that tastes like vomit”, everyone knows that you’re employing a certain amount of poetic license. No food would actually really taste like that. It’s a turn of phrase.

Nothing, my friend, nothing can prepare you for that first giant swig from a bottle of “beer” which is actually dental fluoride rinse. It doesn’t just taste of dental fluoride rinse. It is dental fluoride rinse. With one crucial difference. Dental fluoride rinse is alcoholic. Root “beer” is not.

I have done some research into how root beer came to be invented. It seems a shame not to share this with the world, so I leave you with the “History” section that I have added to Wikipedia’s root beer page. I hope this will help others who were as confused as I was. Click on the image for a copy of the whole page.

I messed with Wikipedia. I know. It’s not original, and it’s not clever. I didn’t remove anything. I didn’t swear. I wrote in American English. I even gave them $30. But I know it’s a Monstrously Bad Things, because I was actually shaking when I clicked “Save”. I hope nobody dies.

Update: The edit was removed on 14th January – it lasted two days. The good citizen responsible either found this blog posting somehow, or started off here. Looks like this Wikipedia idea works…

22 thoughts on “Wrong: Root beer”

  1. Everytime someone posts a false story on Wikipedia, Jimmy Wales kills a kitten. Fortunately for him, ou gave him the $30 he needed to buy the kitten in the first place. Well done.

  2. Shame on you for messing with Wikipedia! My kids cut and paste that stuff for their term papers…

    So this profound dislike of root beer, my family’s preferred drink, is not limited to Poland but is a European thing? I have lunch weekly with a friend from Gdansk, and she shudders in horror when I drink root beer with my meal. When I questioned her about it once, she said, and I swear this is the honest truth, it “tastes exactly like toothpaste” to her. Toothpaste!! Where on earth did she get a crazy idea like that? Has your fabricated history of root beer been circulating over on the “continent” for years? Or have you been having lunch with my friend and planting bizarre ideas in her head?
    P.S. That night as I brushed my teeth I had a revelation. My god…she was right. Crest original formula toothpaste tastes just exactly like root beer! Happily, this knowledge hasn’t diminished my love of A & W, or kept me from brushing my teeth.
    Next you’ll be taking us to task over our love of peanut butter…

  3. Whats wrong with rootbeer? I used to drink gallons of it as a child, along with creme soda (yum!). As I matured and lost my sweet tooth, I stopped drinking soda altogether. But, and I know this will make you shudder, I have friends who like to drink rootbeer schnapps (too sweet for me).

    Also, isn’t it an executable offense to alter Wikipedia? You know how we Americans love to execute. >just kidding!!< :o)

  4. Messing with root beer! I love it. Although, and don’t hate me for saying this blasphemy, I love root beer and think beer’s like piss.

    I love the copy of the book you sent. I’m reading it now – and must say I quite agree with your assessment of Price Phillip. When I’m finished, I’m sending it to a Scottish reader/friend who lives in Montana. I’ve got a slew of Brits here and Americans on the other side of the pond. My hubby and I laughing out loud at your so obvious (to us) Scottish wit. He picked Bob’s your uncle up from one of Knute’s tv shows and was so thrilled you’d included it.

  5. But the commercial says “This is Budweiser. This is beer.” Have they been lying??!!

    On the beer note: if you truly enjoy beer and if you ever find yourself in Providence, Rhode Island I’ll buy you a beer at the wonderful Trinity Brewhouse. Brewed on location in many great varieties. Coffee stout was awesome Saturday night.

  6. Well, I guess you can’t love everything in your adopted country. I suppose you have to be exposed to root beer as a child to develop a taste (immunity?) for it. Still, before you totally write it off, you should fill a glass with vanilla ice cream, and sloooowwwwllllyyy pour some root beer over it. It foams up a treat and (trust me) is really tasty! If you don’t want yours, I’ll eat it!

    I will refrain from pointing out that you come from a country where tongue and kidneys are considered culinary options, so your taste buds are likely irretrievably warped . . . 🙂

  7. I havent been to McDonalds since root beer was taken off the menu… It must be well over 10 years now..

    Root Beer lovers may wish to try to carters, available from most supermarkets in the uk

  8. Finally! Someone who agrees with me! Root beer is bloody awful. My husband loves the stuff – but then he was raised on it in Texas … I think my mother-in-law expressed root beer instead of milk.

  9. If you think root beer is disgusting, you should try Moxie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moxie). Or maybe not. Moxie is hugely popular in northern New England, and I’ll never understand why. It truly is the most disgusting beverage I’ve ever tasted, yet they have festivals devoted to it. I was nearly sick the first time I tried it, and obviously, I never had it again.

    BTW, I love root beer, but birch beer is much better – this, too, may be a New England thing. Friends of mine from other parts of the country have never even heard of it.

  10. While watching my much younger them me siblings we all decided to make root beer floats and my recently arrived from Sweden boyfreind about threw up when he tasted it. Now my brothers are begging us to bring some of that root beer flavored toothpaste back from Sweden.

  11. I agree with the recommendation to put ice cream in the root beer, but AMERICAN ice cream. Vanilla. Not that see-through ice-milk stuff Brits eat. Eyew.

    Root beer should be left for those to appreciate it. I’ve had “Squash.” Gross. It’s not even made of squash! It’s like kool-aid with grain thickener in it. It seems people who grew up on squash and warm milk would appreciate ice-cold root beer. 🙂

  12. As a chef, I always keep a keen eye on the culinary eccentricities of both my homeland (US) and my away homeland (UK). My conclusion: peole eat and drink wierd shit on both sides of the Atlantic. I can truly understand why most Europeans don’t like rootbeer (it’s the wintergreen taste)… but I love it… I grew up with it. I didn’t grow up with black pudding, or putting seven-up (lemonade) in my beer… both vile concoctions to me… yet, somewhere some Brit is raising his pint glass and motioning for another shandy to wash down his fried black pudding… and he’s happy about it. Our version of black pudding is called Srapple… don’t ask… I have no idea. Also, just an observation, but my Brit acquaintances really bag on Spam… yet they offer three or four versions of the exact same stuff on thier supermarket shelves, under other more “Euro” sounding names of course… what gives?

  13. As a chef of 30+ yrs and an unfortunate american….”Once you get to the age of thirty or so, you’re pretty much done with truly new taste sensations.” is utter bollocks!!! Gastronomy is the pinnacle of creativity in food/ drink invention. But I will agree, MOST root beer is marginal at best. One MUST have a fresh draw fountain version to appreciate it fully. Pre-pakaged versions fall short. Give me the Syrup and a soda gun any day.

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