adj idiot. I’m tempted to write a Dictionary of British Insults. Also (rarely) used to refer to one’s penis. Or someone else’s, if you don’t have one. Or if you do have one, but you’re trying to refer to someone else’s and not your own. I’m tempted to also write a Dictionary of British Words For Penis. A future bestseller; keep an eye out. Not that eye.

n an awful item of clothing which consists of sort-of-dungarees which stop at the knee. Whilst popular in pre-World-War Britain, plus-fours these days are firmly in the realms of brightly-colours golfers or inbreds.

adj glum; long-faced: I bumped into Sheena in the newsagent this afternoon – she looked mighty po-faced about something. As well as being a useful word for people who want to win at Scrabble by memorising stupid goddamned two-letter words and then sitting there looking all smug about them even thought they don’t know what they mean, “Po” is an abbreviation for “chamber pot” (an old-fashioned bed-pan).

n Northern English stuffed; full of food. Derivation is anybody’s guess.

n, adj turtle-neck. A style of sweater in which the neck runs right up to the chin; far enough up to cover even the most adventurous of love-bites.

n polyethylene. The plastic-type stuff that plastic bags are made of.

1 n man who is pretentious in an effeminate manner. “Ponces” (quite often referred to using the phrase perfume ponce) tend to grown their hair quite long and talk loudly into their mobile phones while sitting at the traffic lights in their convertible Porsche. Describing a place as poncy would imply that these sorts of punters made up the bulk of its clientele. 2 v scrounge: Can I ponce a fag off you? Apparently the word originally meant living off the earnings of prostitution. Please look up “fag” now, before I cause some sort of ghastly mistake.

n bad smell. My maths teacher at school, Mr Benzies, also taught my uncle, who was fifteen or so years older than me. My uncle told me that in his day Mr Benzies was known unanimously as “Pongo Benzies” because “wherever he goes, the pong goes.” If you’re reading this, Mr Benzies, please remember that I’m just relating what my uncle said, and I didn’t necessarily actually call you that, or try and get the rest of the year to call you it too.

n homosexual. A mildly derogatory term for a homosexual – mild in the sense that homosexuals might use it themselves. Although based upon that I could easily say that “nigger” was a mildly derogatory term for an African American. poofy effeminate. An episode of Magnum PI, the U.S. detective show, features Magnum himself describing Zeus and Hercules as “poofy names for attack dogs.” Whilst in the U.S. this is taken to mean “fancy,” in the U.K. it would quite definitely mean “homosexual.”

n a simple derivation of “poof,” with exactly the same meaning.

v fart; trump. Used more by children than adults: Eww! I think Roger’s mum popped off in the kitchen!

n lies. From Cockney rhyming slang “pork pies” / “lies.”

n a sort of prefabricated hut, most often used as temporary offices on a building-site. A portable cabin, if you will. Portakabin is a U.K. trademark.

adj upper-class. Your aunt Mabel might be posh because she lives in a large country house, or your dad’s new Mercedes might have seemed a little bit too posh for him. It’s not rude, but it’s not really particularly complimentary either. The term probably comes from the Romani word, “posh”, meaning “half” (and used to refer to half a crown, a substantial sum of money at one point). posh wank masturbation performed whilst wearing a condom (male-specific, one would imagine).

n, v mail. Brits don’t mail things, they post them. Their mail is delivered by a postman (one word). And, umm, he works for an organisation called the Royal Mail. It’s pretty much the reverse of how these two words are used in America.

n grad student. Someone who’s finished their university degree and, on the sudden realisation that they might have to actually get a job, has instead leapt enthusiastically into a PhD, a Masters, or some such other form of extended lunch-break.

n Cup-o-Noodle. Little pots of noodles, upon which you simply pour boiling water to the “fill level” and lo, all of a sudden you have a perfectly delicious and nutritious meal for one. One student, one overworked employee or one neglected pensioner, normally. I don’t think it mentions that on the pot.

n House plant. Plants that one has around the house, for decoration, in pots. Because “pot” is one of the commoner worldwide terms for cannabis. it is generally only older people who can use the term pot plant without giggling.

n caving; spelunking. The sport that involves leaping down holes in the ground. I’m sure that, in a special way, it’s fun. Brits do still refer to chunks that are missing from the road as potholes, in the same way as Americans.

n plant in a pot. Not a cannabis plant. Well, it could be, but more than likely it isn’t.