The best part about America being the most overweight nation on the planet is that, boy, can America make superb beef burgers. God damnit, why do I have to be mean even when I’m being nice. I tell you, I should have called this blog “Things other people apart from me do badly”. That way I could be persistently negative and snipey without really making any constructive effort to remedy the situation, which is my favourite thing.
If you walk into a random bar in the United Kingdom and order a beef burger, you can guarantee some things about it. Firstly, it will be black and hard around the edges, as though it has been fried more than once in its tortured life. Second, it will be strangely soggy in the middle, as though it was finally put out of its misery in a microwave oven. If it’s an upscale bar, you’ll probably get a large piece of wizened-looking tomato to go along with it, and if it’s a really fancy joint then you’ll get a pickle. Generally a burger you bought in a British pub can be regarded as a good one if it’s possible to tell the meat from the bun.
The first time I ordered a burger in America, the waitress asked, “And how would you like your burger?” I peered back at her. “I beg your pardon?” “How would you like your burger, sir?” I tried to sneak a peak at the menu to see if I’d accidentally ordered the Kobe special. The waitress tried to help, “For example, sir, medium rare?” I looked at the waitress and back at the menu. A burger medium rare? Are you nuts? At that sort of temperature the eyeballs and toenails won’t even have melted. “Umm… medium,” I said, and waited for her to ask whether I’d like my chips cooked or not.
As to why Americans are so good at burgers, I can only assume that it comes down to the fact that America actually has a lot of space in it. A cow reared in America owns its own piece of land and has a tree-lined driveway and a hot tub. A cow reared in Europe is sharing a room with another cow in order to pay the exorbitant rent, and turning tricks in the evenings to make ends meet. She’d stop smoking if it wasn’t for the coke habit, which has made her udders practically disappear and left her gaunt and emaciated. How cows are supposed to cut coke with no fingers I’m not sure. This post needs some work to be believable, but it’s getting late now.
Interesting. A friend of mine from New York who know lives in London reckons the burgers are better in London than in New York. Mind you he goes to all these trendy places in Chelsea where a burger and chips sets you back about 20 quid.
In my humble opinion, Americans are great at burgers because burgers are soooo American. My favorite type of burger is flame broiled, medium rare (no eyeballs or toenails) slathered with mayo, ketchup, mustard and crowned by a big slice of onion, and a fresh slice of tomato on top. If I am going for the gold, then a thick slice of melted cheese is added. This all-American confection nestles in a sesame seed bun. The only place to get this burger is in on the grill in my back yard.
The only place you can order a Kobe special is Colorado
Unfortunately most cows (and livestock in America) are NOT living on its own piece of land with a hot tub and tree lined driveway. Most of the animals reared for consumption in America are reared in cramped, cold, uncomfortable environments and are normally abused and not treated well in general. These are also reasons I shop (and work) at a Whole Foods.
I just found your blog by mistake and absolutely love your writing style. I’m an American living in London, so I’m viewing this from the other side of the pond! Keep up the good work.
If you like burgers, I agree with you, but I’m always suspicious of a sandwich or the like which is so big that you have to practically deconstruct it to get it in your mouth. Isn’t this a warning that you’re comsuming more than your daily recommended intake of the main ingredient?
poo poo poo you must eat poo. poo is better than burger or poo burger is even better.
I want you to get some boobs.
I am a lady and i want to kiss you and marry you.
The perfect steak is cooked somewhere between medium rare and medium, but burger meat has been ground into burger primarily because it wasn’t good to be grilled as steak. (More likely it was destined for pot roast.) Medium’s a good place to have a burger. Try one with peanut-butter and bacon– about half as much PB as you might put cheese on there. It’s remarkable.
Also, Todd, by “cramped, cold, and uncomfortable,” you mean “cramped, climate-controlled, and designed for calm animals who’ve been bred without immune systems. Also, fed corn, because apparently corn is cheaper than growing grass on the ground, thanks to some bizarre government incentives known as farm subsidies. (Grass-fed produces healthier beef.)
However, the wide-open-spaces argument is historically true, if not majorly in use today, which is why Texas, a gigantic state full of places ideal for cattle, has as its traditional form of chili a delicious liquid containing A) beef and B) chilis. Beans? Are you some kinda yankee? Likewise, BBQ in Texas is a slow, indirectly-cooked beef brisket. You should be prepared to fight if you suggest the notion of pork barbecue to a Texan.
Most of the cows here (central Illinois) have huge, wide-open spaces to roam. Milk cows, beef cows, …. well, those are really the only types of cows. There’s only one place around my town where the cows seem to be living in a slightly smaller-than-desired area, and it’s still not poorly sized. Of course, it seems even when they have acres upon acres, they all chill near the fenches for unwary child to run up and be licked.